Changes
by shelovesboots
Summary: SusanMark...Susan comes back to Chicago...REALIZATION In ch 4, Susan and Mark talk about what could have been... Please R&R [on hiatus]
1. MEMORIES

**CHANGES**

**Disclaimer : **The characters don't belong to me :(

**A/N :** Ok, this happens when I'm bored. So far for never writing a Mark/Susan story again, LOL. Anyway, it's about Mark and Susan, but not really a Marsan (at least not yet...). English isn't my first language, and it didn't have a beta for that story... Hopefully the grammar and spelling won't be that bad.

Big thanks going to Kathie & Kathi for inspiration and support. The idea for this story came from the Savage Garden song, I don't know you anymore. I'm also using these lyrics in the story :)

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**CHAPTER 1 - MEMORIES**

The sky above Arizona was painted in shades of bright orange and red by the the setting sun one warm evening in April. The train began to move with a lurch, and the illuminated city of Phoenix started drifting past the windows. A blonde woman wearing a pair of faded jeans along with a pale blue V-neck pullover that went along really well with her blazing green eyes, leaned back in her seat, She relaxed and closed her eyes. Being lucky enough to have an entire carriage of her own, it was quiet except for the rhythmic rolling noise of the train, which on the account of having worked all day, seemed like a lullaby to her. It didn't take her long to drift into a long and peaceful sleep. Hours later, she woke up again. Looking out of the window, she saw nothing but darkness. Here and there a few lights, but that was about it. She glanced at her watch. 0:25am. Although she was quite hungry, she couldn't motivate herself to get up to find the dining car. Instead, she leaned her head against the headrest and closed her eyes again. Considering that she had a job interview scheduled for the next day, catching some sleep didn't seem to be a bad idea. In a couple of hours, she would be back in Chicago, and if everything worked out, she would go back to Phoenix, pack up all her things and move across the continent again. When first coming to Phoenix, she thought she could be happy there. But it didn't take her long to figure out that she didn't really belong there. She had followed her sister and niece across the country, and even though she saw them every day, it didn't make her as happy as she thought it would. There was a time when the two of them had really depended on her, but that time was long gone. Her sister was happily married, and her niece didn't need her anymore. She felt left out. She wanted to go back home, back to Chicago where all her friends lived, back to where she belonged.

She wondered what it would be like to see all her old friends again, most of all, to see HIM again. They had been friends for an eternity, but the day she had left for Phoenix, it had all fallen apart. He had finally told her that was in love with her, and he had also asked her to stay. To give it a go. What a fool she had been back then. Words couldn't describe what she had felt for him, but she had departed anyway. Was it just her pride, or was it because she was scared? Scared to give it a go? Maybe she was afraid...Afraid of loosing him, not yet being aware that she would really loose him by moving away. These questions went unanswered. All she knew was that she had always loved him. Even back in the days when he was still married, she had secretly felt for him.

She hadn't seen him in ages, and ever since she moved, they had slowly lost touch. At first, they used to speak on the phone every other week, but these phone calls were always awkward and neither of them really knew what to say, both knowing that they were meant to be. They would probably be happy together now, given she had stayed in Chicago.

During the first few weeks in Arizona, she would often cry herself to sleep, because she regretted everything so much. She missed him like hell, and wanted go back to him more than anything in the world. But her pride always made her stay. But she probably would have taken the next train – or even the next plane – to Chicago, if he had asked her to come home, but he never did.

Time went by, and they both moved on. Their phone calls become rare and far between. A short chat, every now and then, a postcard for their birthdays, and one for Christmas, but that was about it. Before long, she didn't know what was going on in his life anymore. They were no longer best friends...everything they had, all those incredible years they had shared, had all faded away.

But even now, when they had almost completely lost touch, she still thought about him a lot. He had probably been the first – and only -person she had ever really loved, and part of her was still mad at herself for never having given him a chance.

She hadn't heard anything from him in nearly 4 months, but while cleaning, she came across with an old photo album full of pictures of him.

Suddenly all the old memories were back. She remembered that day they had said goodbye to each other at Union Station as if it were yesterday. The moment she realized that she was still in love with him, her decision was made. She would move back to Chicago. Back home, back to where he lived.

Before she knew what she was doing, she was calling hospitals in Chicago, and scheduled a couple of job interviews. And soon as her plans were set, she picked up the phone and called him.

"I'll be in Chicago next weekend...how about if we meet? We haven't seen each other in a long time,"she'd said.

"OK," he had replied.

It had been wonderful to hear his voice again. Although their phone conversation hadn't lasted any longer than about 10 minutes, she had good feeling about it. Once she had that job in the bag, everything would be alright...they would be best friends again...and maybe even more...

Of course she had her doubts about moving back, but she just had to find out what - or if - there was still something between her and him. She was longing for an answer to all these questions that had been on her mind since she her arrival in Arizona. She wanted to know what could have been if she had never left. She wanted to find out if he was still in love with her and if they could go back to where they were.

On a windy and gloomy evening in April, she had finally gotten on a fast train which would take her home at last. And there she was, on her own, asleep in a carriage kept in blue – indigo colored velvet curtains, imitated leather seats in darker shade of blue, that were cold, but yet comfortable to sit on – traveling back to Windy City.

so far for part 1.

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Any kind of feedback is appreciated, so please be a sweetheart and review the story :) 


	2. HOMECOMING

CHANGES 

Disclaimer : Not mine, not mine. :(

A/N : This story could be set either in season 7 or season 8, I leave that up to your imagination :)  
Still Savage Garden Lyrics : _I don't know you anymore_  
Still no beta reader. 

Thank you so much for reviewing, Flick, gezzy, savedbygrace, Stargazergirl8 & girlintheyankeeshat. It's wonderful to get such a positive feedback :)

Lots of love going especially to my fellow C/L shipper Renée & and my msn buddy Helen for all their support and encouraging words :)

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CHAPTER 2 HOMECOMING 

The silver grey Southwest Chief train was moving east, towards the rising sun, which was highlighting the tracks in front of it. Awakened by the sunlight that lit up her carriage, she slowly opened her eyes and looked out of the window. The scenery seemed familiar to her, and a glance at her watch confirmed it : she was almost there. Having just left from Naperville, the train was passing by refineries and power plants. Chicago would be the next stop. The long journey would soon come to an end, and she would get off the train, at Union Station. At home.

The closer they got to the city, the more she wondered what it would be like to be back, even if this time would technically be a short visit only. And most of all, she wondered what it would it be like to see HIM again. Secretly, she hoped that he would still be in love with her. She wanted him to say _„I love you"_ again, wanted to start all over new again with him.

Leaning back in her Amtrak seat, she looked out of the window. The beautiful skyline of Chicago already emerged on her right in the warm light of the morning sun. Only a few more minutes to go.

Shortly afterwards, the train finally pulled up at Union the Station. The place where she had seen him last. The place where they had shared their first and only kiss. The place where she had made on of the biggest mistakes in her life - getting on that train to Phoenix. After having spent more than 30 hours in the Southwest Chief, she had reached her destination at last. She slowly descended and looked around the marble-pillared station. It was pretty crowded, people were rushing around, talking manically on their cell phones while sipping on their Starbucks coffees, trying to catch their trains. Many different faces, white ones as well as black ones. Commuters, business men, families. The platform where the Amtrak from Arizona had just pulled up slowly emptied itself. The other people who had gotten off the train trailed off into different directions, some were being met by their families, others hurried away on their own. Maybe they had a connecting train to catch. She looked into many happy faces, saw some tearful goodbyes, and all old memories of how she had said goodbye to him years ago flashed by.

Eventually, she grabbed her suitcase and left the platform. Starbucks was her next stop. With a tall latte and cream cheese bagel in her hand, she finally left the building. It was a sunny day, not a single cloud in the pale blue sky, colored like a pair of faded jeans. Even though it was already pretty warm – at least by Chicago standards - she was freezing a little. The Arizonian weather had really spoiled her during the last years and she was no longer used to the cold wind that blew into her face. She buttoned up her leather coat and took a sip of her hot latte. For a few moments, she just stood there on the street, inhaling the smell of the city, listening to the noise of the traffic. God, she had missed all that so much. The smell and the noise had driven her crazy back in the days when she still lived here, but now it made her feel home.  
After some time, she hailed for a cab. 

"County General Hospital," she told the cabbie and fastened her seat belt.

During the whole ride to County, she looked out of the window. The closer they got to the hospital, they more nervous she became. Would her ex colleagues still recognize her? After she hadn't seen them in years? After she hadn't spoken to any of them in such a long time? What would it be like to see HIM out of all the people again?  
Although he had been one of the most important persons in her life for as long as she could remember, they were no longer that close. Would he still be her best friend? She didn't know. During all their phone conversations, they had never talked about their lovelives. She had never dared to ask him if he was seeing someone, and it was probably the same the other way round. She had been with a couple of men in Phoenix, but none of these relationships had been serious. She had never been really happy. The chance that he would still be in love with her was very little, but she wanted to take it anyway and find out if he still felt for her. A couple of minutes later, the cab pulled up in front of the main entrance of the hospital. She paid for the ride, got her suitcase, and got out of the car. She slowly walked around the building towards the ER. Her emotions were mixed. 

On one hand, she was anticipating seeing all her old friends and colleagues again, but on the other hand, she was also a little scared. In a few minutes she would see all of them again : the ambitious surgeon who would do just about anything to push his career, the intern who used to have a crush on her as a med-student, the doctor who would never agree with her, the pediatrician who had slept with most with most working at County in between his on- and off relationship with her best friend. She would see the admittance clerks again, and all the nurses. And of course, she would see HIM again.

She stood there for what felt like an eternity to her, looking at the entrance, before she finally had the courage to enter. Passing through those doors caused some many memories to come flooding back to her thoughts. For so many years, she'd walked through those doors every morning and left again in the evening, or, the other way round when she was on the night shift.

She glanced around. Not so much had changed in the ER itself. However, none of the admittance clerks and the nurses who were standing at admit desk looked remotely familiar to her. But where were all her friends? All the people she used to work with? Had they all been promoted? Been transferred? Moved away? Started to work at another hospital? Time had seemed to pass so quickly while she was in Phoenix, but now that she didn't recognize one single face, it felt as if she'd been gone forever. She never knew that the ER had such a huge turnover.

She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't see the tall women with strawberry blonde curls coming across the corner. She crashed into her.

„Hey! Watch where you're going! " The tall woman exclaimed angrily. Her accent told loud and clear that was not from Chicago. She was wearing blue scrubs and held a scrub cap in her hand – apparently, she was a surgeon.

„Excuse me... I didn't see you..."

„Obviously."The surgeon said icily as she walked away from her.

After that encounter with the unfriendly surgeon, she continued to walk around the ER. It was so weird to be back...All those hours she had spent in there seemed so far away. She felt like a stranger, although this hospital had always been like a second home to her. No matter how much she despised working there on some days - she had always felt safe and comfortable. Right now, everything reminded her of her first day at the hospital in Phoenix, where she had really been a stranger._  
_

After some time, she sat down on one of the chairs in the waiting area, watching people coming and going. They had agreed to meet at admittance. She was pretty nervous, feeling like a teenager on her first date. A quick glance at her watch told her that it was 10:50. He was supposed to get off in few minutes. She hurried over to the bathroom and checked her appearance in the mirror. Considering that she'd been through a loooong train-ride, she was quite satisfied with what she saw. She was wearing black pants along with her white pinstripe blouse and a blazer. _I'm dressing up for the job interviews_, she had tried to make herself believe when she had changed and applied some make-up in the train this morning. But she knew it was lie. She wanted to look nice for him, and not for her future employers. Having applied another layer of mascara and some lip gloss, she was finally ready to meet him. At least physically.

And there he was. Standing right in front of her as she emerged from the bathroom.

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so far for part 2 

I know that not that much has happened in the story so far, but I wanted to focus on Susan's thoughts in the first two parts. Part 3 will be different. It should be up soon.

I live for reviews, so please leave me some feedback :)


	3. REUNION

**CHANGES **

Disclaimer : Not mine, not mine...

A/N : Mark doesn't have a brain tumor in this story.  
Still Savage Garden Lyrics - I don't know you anymore  
Still no beta reader. 

Thank you so much for reviewing, Amy, gezzy, Michelle, Renée & Helen. I really appreciate that you took the time to read and review my story :)

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**REUNION **

The bathroom door opened and SHE got out. He crashed into an invisible wall and was completely taken aback. Their eyes met again for the first time in almost 5 years. All those years they'd been apart concertinaed into less then a second. A flood of memories came back. He remembered how they had first met at admittance on her first day at County. He remembered how she had listened to him for hours , always trying to make him feel better when he was getting divorced. He remembered how she had invited him to come along when she was going to Hawaii, he also remembered those rumors about them having a torrid affair as if it had been yesterday. And of course, he remembered the day she had left for Phoenix. The day she had ripped his heart out. They day he had lost the love of his life. Even back in the days when he was still married, he had probably already fancied her. Maybe he had even already loved her. She had always seemed to be The One. The One who makes it all complete. He had always thought that they were meant to be. Supposed to be. But he had been such a coward. He had been so afraid of loosing his best friend that he had never had the courage to tell her how much he loved her until it was too late.

They had shared an incredible kiss, and he already saw a new era dawning for them... But then she had climbed into that train and was gone. She had left him at the platform of Union Station and when the train departed, he knew their chance had been blown. For now and for ever.

For many months, he had cursed himself every single day for letting her go. If only he had had courage to tell her earlier... Maybe she would never have left. Maybe they would be happy together now. Be married. Have kids. They had tried to stay in touch, but that didn't work out. As much as he had loved her, he couldn't talk to her on the phone and pretend that he was alright. She had broken his heart...This heartbreak had been far more painful than his divorce. It wasn't until then when he realized that he had never loved his ex-wife the way he had loved HER. Whenever the spoke on the phone, there had been minutes of silence, because neither of them had known what to say. He wanted to ask her to come back, every single time they spoke on the phone, but for some reason, he never did. He had been hurt, and maybe even a little mad at her for never having given him a chance. Talking to her became harder each time, and after a while, they stopped calling each other. She had always sent him a card for his birthday, and one for Christmas. He had returned the favor, but apart from that, they didn't have any contact anymore. She lived her life, and he lived his. For a long time, he believed that he would never love anyone the way he had loved her. But gradually, he moved on and fell in love with a British surgeon. That British surgeon was the total opposite of her, but she made him happy. Eventually, they got married and had a beautiful little daughter. He had never told her about his new wife and daughter. She had never asked him either. He had carried an invitation to his wedding addressed to her around in his pocket for about two weeks. But he never had the guts to mail it to her. Instead, her invitation ended up being buried under old bills, documents and other stuff in one of the drawers in his desk.

He couldn't think of a reason why he had never actually posted her the invitation, but for some reason it felt right this way. She probably wouldn't have invited him to her wedding either. After all, they hadn't told each other anything about their lives in the past few years. 

She looked beautiful. Blazing green eyes, shiny blonde hair. Exactly the way he remembered her, except that her hair was shorter now. She looked more mature, more experienced, but simply stunning. She had probably moved on. She had always wanted to have a family. Most likely, she was married now, maybe she even had kids.

After they had been staring at each other for a few seconds, she finally moved towards him to embrace him. "Mark" she said as she brought her arms around him.

"Susan" he whispered, holding her close. It felt so familiar and yet so strange.

"It's nice to see you again..."Susan said after a while.

He nodded and smiled. „We haven't met in...five years?"

"Five years. An eternity."

Both of them had awaited this reunion for so many years. And now that this moment had finally come, neither of them knew what to say...

Minutes passed. They both remained silent, each of them dealing with their memories.  
"I've got a patient in critical condition...I don't think I can leave right now, but we could, um, have coffee in the doctor's lounge?" he suggested after some time. 

"Sure." Susan replied and followed him there.

While Mark prepared some coffee, Susan sat down at the table and watched him.

"How are you, Mark?"

"I'm fine. How about yourself?"

"I'm alright, thanks,"she stated.

Silence again. She longed to ask him if he had a girlfriend, but she didn't have the courage to do so. Instead, she just looked around the lounge. ‚Lockhart ...Kovac ...Malucci... Finch' said the name tags on the lockers. None of them seemed familiar.

She let her eyes continue to wander across the room. ‚...Weaver' She sighed in relief. At least not all people she knew were gone. Even if she and Kerry Weaver had never gotten along, she was for some reason glad that Kerry was still around. A quick glance at the lockers behind her told her that Carter and Benton were also still at County. Mark turned around and handed Susan a cup of delicious smelling coffee. 

"Thanks" she said with a smile.

"You're welcome."Mark replied, and once again, neither of them knew what to say. 

Susan tried to break the silence. „There are many new names," she said, pointing towards the lockers. "Doug and Carol don't work here anymore?"she asked.

"Nope. They live in Seattle with their twins."

"Twins? Wow... I last spoke to Carol right after she and Doug got back together..."

Silence fell again. At this point, Mark should probably have told her about his baby daughter and his wife. But he couldn't. He had really anticipated to see Susan again, but now everything was just awkward.

"What are you doing in Chicago?" He asked.

"Well... there's an open position at the Northwestern...they liked my resumé, and if everything works out, I'm moving back..." Susan explained.

"You...you're moving back?" Mark exclaimed. He couldn't believe his own ears. Some years ago, he would have been thrilled to have her back in Chicago, but now this piece of information simply hurt him. She would never move back for him, but now she was coming back for a job at bloody Northwestern!

Susan nodded. "Yeah... I'm coming _home_, "she said excitedly.

_Home_. Chicago was her home. She wanted to tell him how badly she had missed him, wanted to explain to him how much he still meant to her, but she had no idea how to begin. She wanted to apologize for the day at Union Station...She wanted to let him know that she was sorry for never having given them a chance... And of course, she wanted him to know how much she regretted her decision to move to Phoenix... Although there were so many things on her mind, she couldn't seem to find the right words to start.

„Mark, I...I need to talk to you..."she began. Mark looked at her expectantly.  
„What happened to _us_?"she asked. She was trembling and her heart was pounding really fast. She never knew that his presence had so much effect on her. 

„Well...you moved away...we lost touch..."he replied. Susan couldn't decide whether his voice sounded more mad or more hurt, but it was quite obvious that he didn't feel very comfortable.

„I know the facts...but...I don't know why..."Susan reached out for his hand. She closed her eyes for a few seconds, then she continued. „Mark...we used to be so close...how could we let this happen?"

Mark was unable to reply. He just sat there, clutching her hand, thinking of how it used to be.

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so much for part 3. 

Changes was intended to be a 3-chapter fic, but obviously it isn't finished yet ;)  
I guess there will be at least two more installments...  
I love getting reviews, so please leave me some feedback :)


	4. REALIZATION

**CHANGES**

Disclaimer : Not mine, not mine. :(

**A/N :** Still Savage Garden Lyrics : _I don't know you anymore_  
Still no beta reader. 

Thank you so much for reviewing, Flick, Amy (savedbygrace), Renée (Stargazergirl), Michelle (britgirl 2003) & Helen (girlintheyankeeshat) It's wonderful to get such a positive feedback :)

Big thanks especially to Renée & Helen for all their support and encouraging words, and for so many other reasons as well :)

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**REALIZATION**

It wasn't until now that Mark and Susan realized how much time and circumstances had set them apart. It dawned on them that they had lost everything they had had. They did no longer know each other. The months had strechted into years. During those lost years they both had changed and grew farther apart. Farther than they had imagined. The past thirty minutes they had spent together, hadn't been comfortable for either of them. They both wanted to make it work, but the conversation didn't flow at all; awkward silences often overcame them.

Susan looked down at Mark's hand which was still clutching hers. She once didn't miss a day of his life, but now they didn't even seem to be able to lead a proper conversation. Then again, this showed pretty much how deeply they had affected one another.

"You could have visited me," Mark said after a while.

"Well, you could have visited _me_," Susan replied. But they quickly realized that their reproaches wouldn't lead anywhere and would not change anything.

After some more deafening silence, Susan decided to break the ice by by talking about old times.

"Remember when we plastered Carter's leg while he was asleep?"

Mark let out a little chuckle. "Yeah." Gradually, he realized how much he had missed her being around. He had always had great fun with her at work. She had always trusted and supported him like no one else did. Not even his wife.

Looking into her blazing green eyes, lots of bittersweet memories came flooding back to his thoughts. Her presence had opened a door to memories which he had put away long ago. Now it all came back, crashing down on him, making him feel it all over again.

He had always felt for her. His love for her had never died down, it just faded away as he was moving on. His feelings for her had never entirely disappeared, and deep down inside he knew they never would. If he was honest with himself, he would still refer to her as The One, albeit he was now happily married to someone else..

"Susan...I missed you," he said softly, being overwhelmed by his emotions. Quickly he braced himself again. He shouldn't even think about his feelings for her. He was married, so was she. At least he imagined her to be.

"I missed you, too, " Susan said with a smile on her face. "Have you ever thought of what could have been if I had stayed in Chicago all along?" She finally asked.

_Every single day. Each and every single day,_ Mark thought bitterly. "What do you think? Of course I thought about it," Mark said, glancing down at his hands. He couldn't look into her eyes right now. It would hurt too much.

"I did, too. I shouldn't have left I guess," she spoke up, still not knowing if they were now falling apart once and for all, or if this would be a new beginning for them.

Mark, who had managed to stay calm up to this point, was now overwhelmed by his emotions again. "Do you even know what you did to me when you left?" "You...you hurt me..."

Susan looked at him with sad eyes. Even though it's been 5 years, Susan could still see the hurt and the sadness in his face.

"Mark...I...I never meant to hurt you," she managed, as her eyes twinkled with tears.

"I loved you, Mark," she confessed. _I still do, _she added in her mind, but there was no way she could tell him. At least not right now.

Mark gazed at her. He didn't know what to do or what to say. "But...why did you leave then?"

Susan shook her head. She had didn't know. She had asked herself the very same question way too many times before, but she had never been able to answer it.

"I don't know...I really don't know... Maybe because I was afraid it wouldn't work,"she claimed. Eventually, she realized that it was a stupid thing to say, as she could never think of a reason why it wouldn't have worked. Back then, Mark knew her better than anybody else in the world did. He had always been there for her, he had been a loyal friend and her backbone. And most of all, he had really loved her. And she had loved him.

Once again, silence fell. Now that they finally had opened up to each other a little more, they were both having a hard time dealing with the situation, as it was becoming even more obvious that they had both wanted each other.

He regretted that he had never asked her to come back, and she regretted her departure itself. Two persons, who had been obviously right for one another had just missed out because they both had hidden their feelings for each other until it was too late.

"Mark...I don't know why I left...but...I'm back now," Susan spoke up after a little while.

_Too late...years too late, _Mark thought. He didn't know what to make of Susan's last statement. It sounded almost as if she had come back for him...but Susan wouldn't come back for him the last 5 years, so why would she come back now? Now that he was in love with someone else? Had a baby daughter and a good life? As much as she meant to him, a part of him wished she had never returned. Her appearance had turned his world upside down. It had raised many questions that Mark had never asked himself before. Mark was supposed to be blissfully happy : he had a loving wife and two healthy girls. He should definitely stop thinking of what could have been. He should rather face the truth: he and Susan had missed their chance. They could never return to where they were some years ago. He wanted to know the real reason for Susan's return. A job at the Northwestern didn't seem plausible enough. Maybe it was for a man. For her husband, fiancé, boyfriend or whatsoever. Nevertheless, he didn't have the guts to ask her. For some reason, he also couldn't neither bring himself to ask her if she was currently in a relationship nor did he want to tell her about his wife and baby daughter. Not yet. Not now. The lounge didn't seem to be the right place talking about their current standings in life. A more private place was required for catching up on the last five years.

„Where are you staying?"Mark asked, trying to make conversation again.

Susan's eyes twinkled slightly. For some reason, she thought Mark would offer her to stay with him. After all, they had been best friends at some point. „At the Radisson why?"she looked expectantly at him.

"Just asking," Mark replied.

"Oh. Okay." Susan tried to hide her disappointment as silence fell on them again.

"Well...I really need to get back to work now...but...maybe we could go out for dinner tonight?", Mark asked at last after some quiet minutes.

Susan's face lit up again. "Sure," she replied, smiling.

"I get off at seven tonight...how about if meet you in the lobby of the Radisson at eight?"

"That's fine with me,"Susan said contently. Eventually, she got up and they embraced.

"See you later. And please keep your fingers crossed for me... I've got an interview at Northwestern in half an hour..."

"Will do," Mark said before he left for the suture room while headed to the exit.

**...to be continued... **

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I love being reviewed, so please leave me some feedback :) 

Also, feedback might influence my writing... I haven't decided yet whether this story is going to have a Marsan happy ending or not. I like them as friends much better than I like them as a couple, but we'll see I guess...


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